Friday, November 12, 2010

How to Get Pregnet and Not Get Creamed in a Mommy Forum

E For the Win!!

How do women get pregnet?  Geez, that sounds really tough S, I have not the slightest clue!  That's the reason why I'm on this app at 3:28am.  I have absolutely no fucking idea how babies are made.

This is exactly why I love browsing through these forums  especially when I feel the need to be entertained.  If there isn't someone out there wreaking havoc by calling names, you can bet your money that there's someone who'd ask stupid shit like this and get creamed for it. Aaaahhh.. nothing like a bunch of hormonal pregnant ladies ganging up on each other to make my night. I used to turn to this app for random questions I had during my pregnancy days, and albeit informative, it's never void of drama.  I mean, who needs the Soap Network when you've got this app?  The drill is, once you've popped your baby out, you "graduate" from this app and move on to Baby 411, which is another forum that targets clueless new moms.  The thing is, I still find myself lurking around the pregnancy app, because let's face it, it's way more fun watching hormonal women go at it.

However, before you enter any of these forums, there are a few things you need to remember.  These ladies have very strong, varying opinions about certain sensitive topics, and if you find yourself caught in the middle of the drama, log out immediately.  Change your username and pray they don't notice you're back.  Also, don't say I didn't warn you.

How Not to Get Creamed in a Mommy Forum:

1.  Don't ask questions like, "How do I get pregnet", because, based on my example above, you will get creamed.

2.  Never mention your plans of piercing your newborn's ears or circumcising your newborn son, unless you'd like to be called a mutilator and/or a sadist.

3.  Keep your anti-vaccination preachings to yourself and your anti-vac posse, otherwise, you will get creamed.

4.  In the same manner, if you're anti-everything, just shut the fuck up.

5.  Don't brag about the thriving 10 lb. newborn you call your "Chunky Monkey" who absolutely loves to eat and is holding his head up so well.  Remember that you are in the presence of other moms who have premies, you insensitive fool.

6.  Nobody needs to know that it's little Dakota's 29th week birthday.

7.  If you're naming your kid Braeighdynne or Edward Cullen, you're better off keeping that under wraps, trust me.

8.  Watch your spelling and grammar.  It's hard to take you seriously when you don't know the difference between your and you're, and if you think that knoe is an actual word.

9.  Don't go around saying: "OMG, TMI:  I let out a BEEF!  A Butt Queef! Get it?! Lolz!", because they don't really care about your vaginal/anal hybrid farts.  If anything, it only ups the ante for the next idiot to share their unsolicited TMI grossness.

10.  For the love of God and all things holy, don't ask questions like "How do I get pregnet?"

Oh and by the way, I'm sorry, F from New York, though I like the humor you were trying to invoke here, E in Pa definitely takes the cake on this one.  The woman knows wsup.

*Do you guys have other TMI horror stories, photos and threads you want me to post on  I love me some atrociousness, so feel free to send them to me here, and I'll make it a feature next Friday :)


Bevin said...

This is beyond funny. Thanks for the advice. :D

kitten said...

That's funny! I think it's the first time I've seen pregnet. Back then, I saw pregnat, pregnate, pregnaunt, Bregnant --yes, believe it!

Oooh, and don't forget the formula feeding vs breast feeding hot topic. sheesh.

jillsmo said...

TMI horror stories? This seems like a challenge!

madge said...

When posts get out of hand and some smart ass posts pictures of food, I guess with the purpose of calming the raging pregnant beasts. I mean...the post I clicked on is about diaper brands...why is there a picture of a cheesecake on page 3?

Jordan said...

OMG; moms deal with a junk load!

Miranda LaRaut-Hartrampf said...

Hello i just started following your blog!

Ahh this is great i love it!

Stephanie in Suburbia said...

I had to stop reading those forums b/c I was in tears half my pregnancy at all the "bad mom" things I was already considering. After I had Wee 'Burb, I said "screw all y'all" and I proudly fed her formula and pierced her ears at 3 months. Judge Judies can go screw.

But I do miss the funny posts like that, so keep 'em coming and I'll read them in your judge-free blog.

Shaylee Williams said...

It is a dangerous app. I got yelled at for being against abortion. Ahhh! Lets add another Rule. Don't Ever and I mean EVER talk about abortion or homosexuality no matter what your opinion is!

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