Sunday, November 14, 2010

Go Cry. Too Bad You're Still Stuck With Me

Remember the times I wrote about my really bad days as a new mom?  Ok, erase that. I was probably being such a stupid drama diva back then but I promise that this weekend's going down as the worst days of my parenting life.  

It started last Friday, I woke up to Yuna yelling at me from her crib to get my lazy fat ass up and transfer her to our bed.  This is my cue to make her a bottle, change her diaper and place her back in her crib so that I can get more sleep.  So I did all of the above, careful not to miss a beat.  With my eyes half-open, I made her a bottle, changed her diaper in 12.9 seconds and sent her back to her cage.  The only difference was, she started talking to herself loudly, in between gulps, which voided any possibility of extending my slumber.  So I just got up and went straight to the bathroom to brush my teeth and take care of some business.

I was only gone a few seconds when I heard Yuna shrieking like a banshee, so I ran back to the bedroom and saw her banging her mouth on the crib railing. I picked her up, brought her to the living room so that she can go play with her toys while watching tv, but she continued wailing and wailing as if she got punched in the gut. So I thought, maybe I'm annoying her again, and all she wants is some peace and quiet, so I shut the tv off and just kinda sat there and waited for her reaction.  This shut her up for a good 10 seconds.  She looked at me, looked at her toys, then looked at me again...


"It's okay baby, it's okay, Mommy's here", I calmly said


*pauses to look at me and gauge my reaction*


Please note that while all this shrieking was going on, I was just staring at her in puzzlement, trying to psycho-analyze the situation.  A few things I've concluded were: Obviously, she's not happy, THAT I'm pretty sure of.  She's been fed, changed and she just woke up.  An attempt has been made to entertain her, have a moment of silence and comfort her. It couldn't be colic nor reflux. 

AHA!!  Constipated.  She's constipated.   I will take some prunes and feed her right now and she will be fine and dandy.

I am Champion Mommy!

The Champion's Mommy.  Not to be confused with a Champion Mommy.

I happily hopped  to the cupboard to get the pureed prunes and galloped quickly back to my daughter.  At this point, her screams meant nothing to me but mere whispers of gratefulness aimed to exalt her loving mother.  I fed her spoonful after spoonful and she finished everything within 5 minutes.  She was also kind enough to spare me 5 more minutes of silence before unleashing another ear piercing cry fest which lasted for hours. 

Way to go Yuna.  What a way of saying,  "Right back at'cha, Mom!"

I taught you well honey.  

In fact, I taught you so well, you're actually operating like my 16 year old self  after my first heartbreak with all that shrieking.   The fruit doesn't fall too far from the tree now, does it?

She did a lot of shrieking that afternoon, with intermittent pauses here and there to take a 5 minute nap for the purpose of recharging herself for another round.  I was really losing my mind trying to figure out what to do about her, and I felt so betrayed by the adorable and happy facade she presented to us all this time, fooling us into thinking that we were incredibly lucky to have such a good baby, only to be bitch slapped by the revelation of her monstrosity after 7 months.  She maintained this preposterous behavior for the rest of the day, as if mocking what is left of my patience (none, by the way) up until Saturday morning when Shi casually told me that Yuna went after his finger earlier and it hurt like a bitch.  It turns out, the little shit's growing her first set of teeth.. all 4 of them! At the same time!  Ready the confetti!!

She is officially teething.  

And none of you experienced moms warned me it was gonna be THIS bad.  Are you trying to punk me?  Are you?  It's okay, really, you can tell me.  So, are you?

Anyway, I am now desperate for some adult contact and a couple of hours off my mommy shift.  If any of you feel like doing a baby swap for a day, you know where to hit me up.  I mean, she's not THAT bad, I'm sure you can handle her.  All I know is that I need the perfect antidote to this stupid teething phase because I've purchased everything I can possible think of. She's got Sophie, Raz-berry and my finger.  Until then, I will spend the next weekend in hiding so that Shi can totally get what I mean whenever I'd say, "TAKE HER. TAKE HER NOW!!"

Oh, and isn't it great that while I'm losing my teeth, my child is growing hers?  Such an amazing celebration of the circle of life this is-- much like my dead toenail finally making its way to the top tier of my toe, making its way for more ingrown nail to grow.  It's beautiful.


juno said...

Just spreading the word about my new free young-mom support group forum at I hope to see you there. Thanks!

Inara Jones said...

Miles has been the exact same way with his teething. He got his first two teeth simultaneously. Then, a month later, the next two. A month and a half after that, four at once.

And now, he's getting all four molars at once.

Trust me, though, it's going to be okay. It's pure hell for about a week (two weeks with the molars, so far), and then it's over. I keep telling myself that this means teething will be over quicker.

I'm probably wrong, but it's a good hope to delude ourselves with, right? :)

Lanita said...

The only words of advice I have are this:

Baby Advil. Earplugs. Alcohol (for you). And "This too shall pass."

Good luck.

Jaclyn said...

I nominated you!

Gwen said...

I agree with Lanita. When my twins were teething, I thought I would lose my mind! Advil helps. So does alcohol (for you). Good luck.

jillsmo said...

Tylenol. And fuck that homeopathic shit.

Tina@ said...

Inara: WHoooaaa.. Hold it right there. Molars? You know where I can score some Lidocaine?

Lanita: Thanks, I need all the well wishes because, this too, sucks donkey balls right now.

Tina@ said...

Jaclyn: OMIGOD OMIGOD OH MY GOOOODD!! You nominated my blahg! Thank you! I am forever indebted. Are you sure you're not my mom? Mom? Is that you?

Gwen: TWINS+TEETHING= my nerves throbbing on your behalf. I hope you didn't have to go through trauma therapy. I'm close to booking one.

Jill: I'm all for anything that will give me a break from crying. The homeopathic stuff's not cutting it.

Anonymous said...

Hylands teething tablets

Just stumbled across your blog and saw this, they are the only thing that works for my 15mnth old.

Jenny Lincoln said...

Teething is NO fun. My 16 month daughter has been CRAZY ASS grouchy for the last 4 days and I couldn't figure out what her problem was. Last night I awarded myself the worst mom of the year award after I noticed she cut 5 teeth in one day! (Hopefully just one day- or I'm really worst mama material). I just came across your blog today and am totally lovin' it! You're absolutely hilarious! I'm excited to be a follower. :)

michelmoba said...

so far I still have a little gummy bear, but I know any day this senario will show up at my house & I'm prepared with Hyland Teething Tablets. i KNOW they were recalled a few weeks ago, but all my friends who have gone thru teething in the last month swear by it & considering I only have about 4 nerves left in my body, I'm going to try it....and infant tylenol as a backup!

Worse case - a bottle of scotch. Oh wait, that's for me!

Stephanie said...

This made me laugh. I have a 10 1/2 month old who got his first two teeth at 5 months, his second two teeth at 6 months, and now we are going on 8 and 9! Acetaminophen all the way!! Other goodies are frozen soft pretzels, frozen bananas in mesh, teething bag, and the vibrating teether is a must!! Good luck!

Randa Ree Rose said...

The best things I ever found for teething was hurricane and highlands. highlands is baby aspirin and it works really well. And the hurricane is a numbs it and works wonders. Hope it gets better for you! As a mom who has been there it will get better!

kitten said...

OMG, poor momma! Her first tooth should show up any day now! Hang in there!

Amber@Nater Tot said...

I was just going to leave a comment about Camilia, but since you are not into the homeopathic stuff...have you tried clove oil? Not homeopathic, just natural. My pediatrician swears by Clovanol. I haven't used it yet. I just pump Nate full of ibuprofen. Teething is horrible. HORRIBLE. They need to be born with their teeth. I don't care how weird it looks. Good luck!

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