Friday, October 22, 2010

You want some sap and mush? Here ya go!

Since it's my birthday today, I will refrain from divulging any sort of negativity in this post.  Instead, I will kill all of you with an untold love story. Because you see, embedded within all the sarcasm and snark that's evident in all my posts lies a sweet, soft spoken, hopeless romantic.  

HA HA HA HA!!! Fuck that soft spoken shit, if there's anything soft spoken around here it's just fart, the silent but deadly kind. But seriously people, I am pretty sweet, if I do say so myself.  However, there's another person who's managed to top all my romantic efforts time and time again.  One person who remains unfazed by my hormonal bitchiness, loud mouth and drama.  So to the love of my life, the sperm donor to my egg, the yin to my yang, this post is for you. I want the rest of the world to fall in love with you the way you effortlessly made me fall.

So world, I present to you his letter:


Although I have adequate reasons to believe that we are not soul mates (that is, if I ever start believing in such someday), I can never thank you enough for being the carrier and transporter of my seed.  If it weren't for you, I would never have found a better host to contain and facilitate the delivery of my firstborn. Bwahahaha.  Just kidding!

For really great writers such as yourself, I always tend to make my letter short, inconsistent, and non-dramatic.  I look forward to messing up your taste and senses hoping it could've been another great literary piece.

Anyway, it's 5:15pm, 10/21, and I just wanted to make it back to my office.  Finally, your present is on my desk.  It led me panicking the whole day considering that maybe, even rush delivery has caused another blunder on my day.  It really got me into thinking about another lousy excuse as to why or how I came home LATE again and welcomed 10/22 with nothing on hand to offer you.

Seriously though, I don't have much to offer you as I don't have much to ask of you.  You have been perfect just the way you are for all these years I have known you-- the perfect friend, companion, lover, filthy bitch, and truly, the only object of my affection.

Toink, I've always believed that we grow neither better nor worse as we get older-- only more like ourselves.  Similarly, there are days when you give me shit that could potentially stink like shit-- BUT you never treated me like one.  For that, and that alone, you make it easy for me to love you more each day.  Just bear in mind that although growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional.  So should we ever come to a fork down the road... irrelevant of where it takes us, let's take it.  We were all born naked and screaming.  With luck and a little effort, that sort of thing won't stop there-- regardless of age!

So enough of the bullshit already and let's enjoy 24 hours of you!

Happy Birthday.  I love you!


So anyway, he lost me there after the word fork.  The rest after that didn't quite make sense to me anymore, but who cares? ISN'T HE THE SWEETEST MOFO EVER??!!  Yup, that's mah boy right there.  Two years ago, he surprised me by wrapping by best friend up in a huge box for my birthday. Now this may not be a big deal to most of you, I mean, who the fuck wants to open a box containing a sweaty human being anyway?  But here's the thing, my best friend happens to live in Germany.  He flew her in and wrapped her in a giant box.  As soon as I opened the box, out came my BFF holding not one, not two but THREE round-trip airfare tickets to Vegas.  One for me, for her, for Shi, and for my gay boyfriend, Fritz.
I quit thinking of major surprises for him since then.  How the fuck am I supposed to top that?

The people who bribed to go

I folded the letter in half, getting the mandatory tears of joy ready when I felt something else inside the paper bag.  It was smooth, hard and angular.  I reached in and pulled out:

Wow, somebody's gonna get laid tonight. Woooot! The man is awesome.  AWESOME!!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some tinkering to do. Heeeheheheee.


jillsmo said...

So cool, I love it!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

So. How old are you? It's okay, you can tell me...

kitten said...

Awww, he wanted one and he got you one! Good job, Shi!, and happy birthday to you!

jillsmo said...

Hey, where have you been? You haven't blogged all weekend! You can't have been having sex the WHOLE time!

Ashley said...

Happy belated! Shi is an awesome hubby.

Anonymous said...

Tina - Happy B day! I'm loving your blog and have been writing about the exact same thing on I think we're soul mates ;-)

Tina@ said...

Jill: I'm back! I went away on purpose and you're the only one who looked for me. And yes, I was having sex the WHOLE time except for a few quick breaks we had to take so that we can have our kid baptized and all that.

By the way, I spent the anniversary of my 25th birthday last week. My plan is to remain 25 until I am menopausal.

Tina@ said...

Kitten: That smart mofo actually hit two birds with one stone. He was the one who wanted that iPad so he "gifted" it to me.

Ashley: Thanks! But please don't tell Shi that. If you do, he will extend his gym hours.

Relentless: Where have you been all this time?? BFFs forever!!

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