You want some sap and mush? Here ya go!

Since it's my birthday today, I will refrain from divulging any sort of negativity in this post.  Instead, I will kill all of you with an untold love story. Because you see, embedded within all the sarcasm and snark that's evident in all my posts lies a sweet, soft spoken, hopeless romantic.  

HA HA HA HA!!! Fuck that soft spoken shit, if there's anything soft spoken around here it's just fart, the silent but deadly kind. But seriously people, I am pretty sweet, if I do say so myself.  However, there's another person who's managed to top all my romantic efforts time and time again.  One person who remains unfazed by my hormonal bitchiness, loud mouth and drama.  So to the love of my life, the sperm donor to my egg, the yin to my yang, this post is for you. I want the rest of the world to fall in love with you the way you effortlessly made me fall.

So world, I present to you his letter:

Toink,


Although I have adequate reasons to believe that we are not soul mates (that is, if I ever start believing in such someday), I can never thank you enough for being the carrier and transporter of my seed.  If it weren't for you, I would never have found a better host to contain and facilitate the delivery of my firstborn. Bwahahaha.  Just kidding!


For really great writers such as yourself, I always tend to make my letter short, inconsistent, and non-dramatic.  I look forward to messing up your taste and senses hoping it could've been another great literary piece.


Anyway, it's 5:15pm, 10/21, and I just wanted to make it back to my office.  Finally, your present is on my desk.  It led me panicking the whole day considering that maybe, even rush delivery has caused another blunder on my day.  It really got me into thinking about another lousy excuse as to why or how I came home LATE again and welcomed 10/22 with nothing on hand to offer you.


Seriously though, I don't have much to offer you as I don't have much to ask of you.  You have been perfect just the way you are for all these years I have known you-- the perfect friend, companion, lover, filthy bitch, and truly, the only object of my affection.


Toink, I've always believed that we grow neither better nor worse as we get older-- only more like ourselves.  Similarly, there are days when you give me shit that could potentially stink like shit-- BUT you never treated me like one.  For that, and that alone, you make it easy for me to love you more each day.  Just bear in mind that although growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional.  So should we ever come to a fork down the road... irrelevant of where it takes us, let's take it.  We were all born naked and screaming.  With luck and a little effort, that sort of thing won't stop there-- regardless of age!


So enough of the bullshit already and let's enjoy 24 hours of you!


Happy Birthday.  I love you!


Shi
10.21.10
5:54pm

So anyway, he lost me there after the word fork.  The rest after that didn't quite make sense to me anymore, but who cares? ISN'T HE THE SWEETEST MOFO EVER??!!  Yup, that's mah boy right there.  Two years ago, he surprised me by wrapping by best friend up in a huge box for my birthday. Now this may not be a big deal to most of you, I mean, who the fuck wants to open a box containing a sweaty human being anyway?  But here's the thing, my best friend happens to live in Germany.  He flew her in and wrapped her in a giant box.  As soon as I opened the box, out came my BFF holding not one, not two but THREE round-trip airfare tickets to Vegas.  One for me, for her, for Shi, and for my gay boyfriend, Fritz.

I quit thinking of major surprises for him since then.  How the fuck am I supposed to top that?

The people who bribed to go

I folded the letter in half, getting the mandatory tears of joy ready when I felt something else inside the paper bag.  It was smooth, hard and angular.  I reached in and pulled out:

Wow, somebody's gonna get laid tonight. Woooot! The man is awesome.  AWESOME!!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some tinkering to do. Heeeheheheee.

I'm so happy I didn't name you McKaelah.

or McKynnzieh
or Keighlynn
or even worse, Yunnae

I'm glad you're Yuna.  Yuna Maxine.
I wouldn't have it any other way.

Happy half a year birthday to my firstborn!

You wanna know your numbers today?

You're a whopping 20 pounds and 28 inches.  You're gargantuan.  You know what gargantuan means baby?  It means that you're slightly off center, slightly heavier than the rest of your pals.  But that's okay!  Really! Here's what I think bub:  I think you're perfect.  Just the way you are.

It's been 6 months, time just flew by, didn't it?

You never cease to amaze us.  It seems like every single month, you surprise us with something new.  During your 1st month, you started laughing and smiling.  I admit, at first it was quite creepy to see you do that, but then what were we thinking?  We absolutely loved it.  On your second month, you learned how to sit up with some assistance and you were so proud of yourself!  By your 3rd month, you started holding your bottle on your own, which we're so thankful for.  It's such a relief to just hand you that bottle and trust that you know what to do with it.  You also started rolling around and around, you actually fell off the bed!  Who knew, right?  At 4 months, you started crawling and you had your first taste of real food.  You also started holding the sippy cup on your own.  Just a month ago, you pulled yourself to a stand.  Do you remember our faces when you did that?  We were in a state of shock, your daddy and I.  We couldn't believe what we were seeing!

Now, at 6 months, you can finally sit yourself up without our help.  It seems that little by little, you require less and less help.  This makes me sad, baby.  It makes me sad not being needed by you.  It's only a matter of time before you start walking, and I don't know how I'd feel when you finally let go of my hand.  I don't know how I'd feel when you choose not to be smothered by me.  But how can I not?  You give me so much joy I can hardly contain it!

Stay little for me my dear Yuna , just for a while.  Need me, as I need you.  

Happy 5 Months, All Hail the Queen

Yuna turned 5 months today.

Before I got her ready for her 5th month photo right next to her gigantic birthday cake made of Chocolate Ganache, Chantilly Cream and Fresh Strawberries, her father woke me up at 10 am (today being Labor Day, I gotta remember to reward him for letting me sleep in) to tell me that she has reached another milestone:  She learned how to stand up on her own unassisted!  Bring out the confetti!!

I was just kidding about the birthday cake.  As much as we'd like to get her a small cupcake to remind us that she's growing up faster than my ingrown nail, we end up forgetting, then later on justifying the ignorance by saying that she wouldn't know how to blow the darn candle anyway so why bother?  

I do know someone who gets a kick out of throwing her baby a huge party every month.  I'm not just talking about the customary birthday-cake-wear-nice-clothes kinda deal.  I'm talking about THE PARTY OF THE YEAR which happens EVERY. SINGLE. MONTH.  You know.. kinda like this:

The Celebrant

The Gifts

The Balloon

The Food

Some of the Guests

I'm still waiting for her to post her daughter's 7th month party.  Word on the street is that they got Justin Bieber to do a small opening number, that should be good.

Katherine,  I think your baby's really adorable, and I love that you like to do them big... but really,  you make moms like me look so bad.  It makes me so anxious to find out what you've planned for her 1st real birthday, I'm almost on Xanax just thinking about it.

Anyway, we just got back from a weekend trip in Vegas last night.  It was our 2nd road trip to Vegas with Yuna and I must say that the kid's a dream to travel with.  She laughed all the time (score!), slept all the time (double score!!) and didn't seem to mind the 110 degree weather.  Of course, it didn't hurt to bring your  sister who happens to be a pediatric nurse and seems to think that your baby is all hers.  We came back to California relaxed and happy- it was the perfect start to the week.

Or so we thought.

It's as if this whole learning how to stand up thing bestowed a sense of entitlement upon my daughter which in turn made her think she is owed the right to be carried around all day.

Yuna has been quite the manipulator with her phony cries lately, and it frustrates me that she already knows she can totally pull this off with her dad.  I told you guys about how she learned that raising her arms means that she will get picked up, right? That grew old with me really quickly and she found out that I wouldn't have any of it, which in a way made me feel slightly like the adult between the two of us.  

Today was the worst, by far.  She held her father hostage for HOURS as he carried her around while he was trying to get things done.  As soon as I took over parenting duties to give him time to do his own thing, the little princess refused to be placed anywhere except my hip.  Ummm... Excuse me? When did this start happening? 

Not in my books missy.  I placed her in her Bebe Pod after carrying her around and she started whining again about sitting down against her will as I calmly explained to her that this needs to stop unless she wants to rob us off the time we need to prepare her bottles.  She wouldn't really like that, would she?

Our heart-to-heart conversation seemed to have worked up until her Daddy Dearest walked in the kitchen again.  She started crying like a sorry little baby and he picked her up like clockwork.  I told him instantly that she's obviously faking it but he replied that he doesn't believe in "disciplining" a baby until she can determine right from wrong.  With those words, he walked off to the room with Yuna in tow as the Queen looked back at me, smiling.

Is there a reset button I can press somewhere to change her back to her default setting?  The long weekend with Dada clearly screwed up my parenting preferences.