Why Didn't I Know This When I Was Pregnant?! Part II

**Huge shout-out to Amber Escudero, Lycan's Mom and all the other pregnant ladies out there.  Congratulations to all of you and welcome to this insanity :)

If given the choice between having no sleep (read: 3 hours or less) and getting a Brazilian wax everyday for the rest of my life, I'd get myself waxed in a heartbeat.  Sleep deprivation turns you into a zombie, and I'm not quite sure if I'm still the same person that used to get at least 9 hours of sleep everyday.  It's not as if I do something productive in all of my 21 waking hours, honestly, I spend a good half of those in a daze.  And when I'm in a daze, I'm useless.  I should've just popped that Ambien and called it a night.  What an idiot.

This leads me back to things I should have done when I was pregnant, and the first 48 hours upon giving birth (if you missed Part I you can catch it here):

1.  Rooming in vs Nursery:  When I gave birth, I was tricked into rooming in with my baby for my entire hospital stay. Yes, you got that right, I got tricked into it. I thought this was the proper thing to do, and I felt the need to instantly bond with this creature who spent 9 comfortable months inside me.  I mean, come on, being the polite host, it was just right for me to keep her company during the first 48 hours of her our life outside right?

The Most Miserable Baby getting a tan in our hospital room, still miserable

 WRONG.   With the exception of breastfeeding, I should have requested for my baby to stay in the nursery the entire time.  The poor child was jaundiced and had to undergo photo-therapy for 24 hours.  In our room. Cold and naked.  Not quite the 5 star accommodations a new guest would rightfully expect, yes?  Needless to say, she was uncomfortable, which made ME uncomfortable.  Now keep in mind that hours prior to this, my crotch was cut open THEN stitched shut and I have yet to take a shower (48 hours and counting).  So add the discomfort of seeing my child uneasy to my physical woes and try to get some sleep.  Go on, try it. You'll probably end up doing this anyway, because they almost never tell you that you have the option to keep your kid in the nursery.  If anything, it will be wise of you to practice sleeping with your eyes open from this day on.

But seriously, woman, shove that infant back to the nurse's arms and GET SOME SLEEP.  Take advantage of this free service.  And no, you will not miss out on the over-hyped bonding experience of spending the first 24 hours together naked. Your baby will not develop separation anxiety, will not cry out for you in the middle of the night and will certainly not knock on your hospital door looking for you. Your baby cannot even recognize color, what makes you think he can already recognize you??  You're nothing but a huge mass of blob to him. Postpone the bonding until you get decent rest (which for some, might be never, but let's be positive here ok?) Bonding is never as meaningful when you're exhausted and all you really wanna do is hibernate for the next 9 months.

2.  Hospital Visits:  Unless you're a huge attention whore, limit the hospital visits to 2 hours per day.  After going through labor, and I don't care how easy it was for you (bitch), the last thing you want to do is be the gracious, fabulous host you usually are.  You cannot possibly be on your A Game after having gone through such an exhausting and emotional ordeal, so please, schedule visiting hours wisely.  Let's face it, all they really wanna do is wake your hairy newborn up then pass him back to you when he starts crying.    Okay, maybe they wanna know if you're still alive after being sliced open, but even THAT is a long shot.  And, possibly eat your food while they're at it.

So maybe you're the type who wants the entire extended family waiting outside the labor and delivery room while you stay inside, haplessly pushing that little soul out of your body.  Good luck with that.  You'll be either too drugged to appreciate your cheering squad or you'll be an emotional mess as soon as you deliver.  Either way, you won't be in the right state of mind to entertain anybody.  Not exactly the Kodak moment you pictured in your head, huh? Right.  No shit.

3.  Your Welcome Home Team:  Seeing a crowd with balloons and banners waiting outside your home anxious to meet your little one is a sight to behold.  It's thoughtful, flattering and it makes you all warm and fuzzy inside.  Take heed: there are types you should, by all means, welcome into your home.  These types bring you hot home cooked meals, watch over your newborn as you take a few minutes to savor your food without having to hold a baby in your arms.  The ones who'd insist on having you sleep while they take over parenting duties for a few hours.  The ones that offer help. Lots of it.

I learned later on that there's nothing wrong with asking for help when it's there for the taking.  If you have family and friends who have been there and actually understand that you cannot possibly be the top hostess you used to be, at least for now, cling on to these people tighter than you would a vibrator.  HOLD TIGHT.  Because help from them is priceless, invaluable and best of all,  it's free.  If you still don't get the point by now, what part of free don't you understand?  What?  Tell me, I'd like to know.

Then of course, there's the type you'd rather not have around.  The dead weights, the useless parasites who expect to be entertained and the ones that eat all your food and complain.  Stay away from these people.  Stay away from the mom with 5 kids under 5, unless you want 5 filthy, rowdy and loud toddlers running around your house.  Stay away from your childless friends whose sole interest is to have a glass of wine (or three) and chat with you allllllll day, just like the good old days.  That's just not happening.  Not on your first day home, at least.  Either they understand that you will be spending most of your day whipping your tit out to get a better grasp of breastfeeding, or they get the hell out faster than a one night stand.  Lastly, stay away from the ones who just go to your house thinking that they could whisk your husband away for a game of poker or Guitar Hero, or whatever.  Because they seem to think that your husband needs some sort of rescuing (Oh, really?  How nice of you asswipes to think of my dear husband! He's been through A LOT, gosh) They are the worst of their kind.  They are the ones who will eat your food, wake up your newborn and leave you cleaning up after them.  Besides, if you just gave birth to something like this:

You wouldn't want dead weights rubbing off on her, trust me :)

Why Didn't I Know This When I Was Pregnant?!

Sometimes, I feel like banging my head on the wall.

Sure, this may sound appealing and somewhat cathartic, if you're into that kinda thing, but for me it's just out of sheer stupidity.  And too much confidence.  How hard could it be??  If those tweens from I'm 16 and Pregnant could handle motherhood like a pro, I was pretty sure I could wing it.

1.  The Pregnancy Glow

There's no such thing.  Neither is it true when they say you glow more when having a girl. Believe me when I say it's a marketing scheme- to make you buy more of those expensive maternity creams, clothes and elastic belts with the promise that you will be the glowing prego you ought to be.  Bull.  I was ugly as fuck when I was pregnant.  I was bloated, pimply and dry.  A glowing woman I was not, and I have yet to meet a lady who basks in her pregnant beauty.  Trust me, I look slightly cuter now that the pregnancy hormones are out of my system.

2.  The Registry

If you're reading this, I bet you're one of those new moms who registered for the Soothing Spa Tub at Babies R Us, only to find out later on that it makes no sense to bathe your slippery newborn in aromatic bubbles.  You want them outta there, pronto-- unless you're a sadist who gains pleasure from seeing your baby freeze.

Anyway, I wish we gave much more thought in what to register for instead of going straight to Babies R Us clueless of what we really needed.  Once a rep hands you that scanner gun, you will be entranced by the scanning sound it makes and before you know it, you are click, click, clicking your way into buying more newborn clothes than you'll need, the cute bassinet with a canopy and a stupid vibrating tub that makes bubbles.

Having said this, be one step ahead and do your baby registry at Amazon.com just like what my friend and fellow new mom Kitten did.  Read and trust the reviews and take note of your future lifesavers like Sophie the Giraffe, Bumbo, Soothie, Moby Wrap, Jumperoo and Gymini.

3.  Breastfeeding

Before I go any further, I'd like to say that breast is best and I give props to all the breastfeeding mothers of the world. There are mommies out there who just shove their boob in their baby's mouth like it's nobody's business. How hard is it to just whip the damn thing out anyway?

Apparently, quite difficult.

I wasn't aware that my boobs will feel like rocks and that during the first few days of breastfeeding, it will feel a lot like a dog gnawing mercilessly on my nipples.  More often than not, there will be redness. And soreness.  And if you're one of the lucky few, there will be blood.

But then you gotta feed that little sucker.  Unless you wanna be labeled as a maternal failure, you gotta breastfeed and breastfeed until your pupils have dilated wide enough and you can no longer feel your arms.  What about the times your baby falls asleep during a feeding?  Oh, of course you have to pump!  You gotta pump the other boob while your little one feeds on the other.  This is why they invented those hands free pumping bras: to give you an extra hand while you breastfeed, pump, and sterilize bottles all at the same time. Wooohoooo! Cheers to Supermom!

But don't give up just yet.  I once saw a picture of a mom (a La Leche League founding member)  in Disneyland breastfeeding her 5 year old son.  In line.  Wow.  That's all I can say.  Just.. Wow.

All I'm saying is that there will be hurdles.  It could be thrush, lactose intolerance or a dwindling supply, but there will be instances where you have to make a choice between breastfeeding and formula feeding.  It took me 4 months of breastfeeding to realize it's not for me and I'm not gonna kill myself over it.  The most important thing is that my daughter and I are both happy and I can finally get rid of those ugly nursing bras.  So to all you formula feeding moms out there who tried but couldn't, put your hands up in the air and lemme hear you say HO!

4.  Lamaze Classes

I never knew that Lamaze Classes were all about preparing you for natural labor.  Natural, ergo, no epidural.  No epidural, ergo, lots of pain.  Lots of pain, ergo, not for me.

Had I known that before coughing up $100 to preoccupy the last 4 Saturdays of my pregnancy, I would have demanded for a refund right away.  Sure, I enjoyed the massages and all the rainforest imagery they make you think of, but other than that, I was dead set on getting an epidural so I didn't really need to know what a birthing ball is for.  Birthing balls are not for women who think that c-sections should be a choice instead of a last resort.

So yeah, if you plan on going all natural, I highly recommend the classes.  However, if you're just like me and you intend to be drugged throughout your entire labor, save your money for more important things like Mederma.