Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Paranoid About Tweens

About a week ago, Shi and I got around to talking about how we'd handle disciplining Yuna in the future.  As it seems, we've already started the good-cop-bad-cop route without being entirely conscious about it.  Of course, he get to play the good cop part because of the limited time he spends with her due to work, inevitably forcing me to play the bad cop role every now and then, and I think I'm okay with that.  

I kinda like being the bad cop. I like the sense of control and the fact that Yuna already senses that she can't bitch me around the way she does with her dad.  It's cool even when Shi and I would hold our arms out and bet on whose arms she'll be crawling to and he always ends up winning.  I like that she associates fun and good times with her father even if it means that I get the shitty part of being her buzzkill. I'm totally okay with that.

Right now, it seems so easy.  She's still a baby and we have control over the influences around her.  What I'm sorely dreading though, and I think I'll be needing a case of Zoloft for this one, is MIDDLE SCHOOL. Just thinking about sending her to middle school sends me on a wild panic attack. How do you go about disciplining a tween? I mean, have you seen those 12 year old , sexually active kids on Oprah??  Especially that one 13 year girl who claims she'd slept with at least 15 boys since she first lost it? Ohkaaay. That's fucked up.  Sure, I'll be the first to admit that I learned about sex when I found my dad's old Hustler/Penthouse stash at the tender age of 7, but I never really came clean about it until I was around 13, when my classmates started talking about making out with boys and going on second base.  But that's just me, and I came from an all-girls school, so we had very limited contact with the opposite sex, and therefore, had a bountiful supply of suppressed adolescent hormones ready to be unleashed.  It's not surprising that a bunch of those girls got pregnant straight out of high school, so I'm going out on a limb and assume that time hasn't changed much since.  The topic of sex will be brought up, in class, or through friends, whether we like it or not.

We must be prepared.


What I intend to do, the very same day I purchase her first bra, is set Yuna aside and give her this doll:



The purpose of which, is to creep her out (very important), and to graphically educate her about the consequences that lie ahead when a penis comes anywhere near her vagina.  She is to bring this doll with her on very first date, homecoming dance and prom night, to spread the word among her peers and further educate her suitors about the consequences of teen pregnancy.  More so, in line with my obligations as the bad cop, I will tell her that if she so much as attempts to take off her chastity belt before she graduates from high school, I will have no other choice, but to shave her in the wrong places.

Any thoughts?

20 comments:

kitten said...

WTF, that's a seriously freaky doll... I forgot what i was going to say.

Ashley said...

Where can I get one of those? I'm all for the freak out method.

Ashley said...

P.s. I need your email address...can you email me? Ashleyplus3 (at) yahoo.com

Klove said...

oh, my god...where do you find these things? When reading your post, the first thing I thought of was, did she go to my high school? I totally relate.

Bevin @ allisbright.net said...

Omg. Just when I thought you couldn't get any more funny... That is pretty scary stuff to think about. I guess its a good thing that I have boys and don't have to worry about them getting pregnant...but on the other hand boys can get many girls pregnant...Oh God. Thanks alot, now I won't be able to stop thinking about this. =D

Laura said...

omg, YES!

antoinetee said...

replete with stretch marks too

Bevin @ allisbright.net said...

What the heck, woman. You can't leave me hanging with a comment like that! Now I am off to obsessively obsessively google...

Bevin @ allisbright.net said...

Lame. Extract one of those obsessively's from last comment. :D

Stephanie in Suburbia said...

The second I got pregnant, I did nothing but obsess about sexting and teenage pregnancy. And I didn't even know we were having a girl! My husband threatened to cancel my season passes to Dr. Phil and Oprah.

At the moment, we've agreed I get her alive through elementary school and he has to take over after that b/c I am at a loss. I was a TOTAL goody two shoes in Jr High and high school and I still did stuff that I would never want Wee 'Burb to do. Torture!

antoinette said...

my first follower..yeah.

Lanita said...

OK, I don't have a doll like this...however, I do have a middle-schooler. She knows the "facts of life" and I told her if she had ANY question IN THE WORLD... she could ask me at ANYTIME. I promised to give her the most honest answer in the most age appropriate way.

The first times she held me to this, it was at a party when she asked me, in mixed company, about...penises. I told her I would be happy to answer any questions about penises she may have, but at a more "appropriate" time and place.

She seemed fine with this.

Karly said...

Tnat doll needs boobs that sag more. And everything should be jiggly and make creepy jiggly noises. No young girl would want any of that (which is why I cry every single night, ha). I am so going to tip off the hubs to that doll, he can add it to his collection of rifles to scare off the boys.

Tatted Mom said...

Creepy doll, amazing philosophy. My sister in law printed out pictures of STDs when her boys hit puberty. I'm liking that method, too. =)

MIca said...

The doll... too funny....

mrs.g said...

Ha!

Jennifer Windsor said...

That's Awesome, I grew up on a farm and thought that every time you had sex it made a baby.... my mom never bothered to correct me..

Anonymous said...

Keep posting stuff like this i really like it

. said...

Great!

I love the whole of your blog anyway :-)))

Joey said...

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Good luck

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