Saturday, December 11, 2010

I Thought of This Because My Neighbor Won't Shut Up


I lost it.

Friday afternoon, I placed an emergency call to hubs to come home from work immediately, something I never ever do because I'm saving that particular call for, you know, real emergencies.  Based on the sounds he picked up from the background, he easily determined that Yuna and I were crying at the same time, and he didn't even ask what the hell was going on, all he said was "I'm on my way" and showed up at our doorstep within the next few minutes.

No, I didn't throw Yuna out of the balcony, nor did I even come close to thinking it.  I placed an emergency call  because I was, for that instance, failing, as a mom.

The day started out with Yuna fussing in her crib, her high chair, her playpen-- pretty much everywhere except my arms.  The culprit could have been her nasty diaper rash or her stuffy nose, or even worse, a deadly combination of both, but whatever it was, her fussing gave me a bad headache.  I intended to do the laundry and go to the mall in the afternoon to get some Christmas shopping done, but her fussiness became a huge deterrent to do anything, I was surprised I managed to pee in the middle of it all. 

I tried plopping her in front of the tv, but even THAT didn't work.  To make things even less bearable for me, our neighbor, an aspiring, jobless singer, wouldn't shut the fuck up.  It's fine if he'd at least sing different songs everyday, but no, he comes up with a song he tries to master every month and he sings the same song again and again and again, most of the day, the WHOLE. FUCKING. MONTH.  Apparently, the song of the month happens to be Hey Soul Sister by Train, and he'd start belting out to this at around noontime, and won't stop until dawn.  

So I was dealing with a fussy and sick kid, a ton or work to do, a bad headache, Dora blaring loudly from the television, and a neighbor who won't shut the fuck up.  What's a new mom to do?

Cry.

Cry like I've never cried before.

Yuna, amidst her own troubles, was so stunned to see me crying,  and she just stood there, staring at me in confusion. 

Then she cried.  I cried some more.  We cried together in ear piercing unison.

While I was sobbing inconsolably, I imagine how things would have been different if I were still childless, and how it would feel to prioritize myself again.  I thought about how much I missed having my own schedule, and it struck me that this is how it's going to be, for the next 18 years, at the very least. 

Yuna cried even harder from her crib, and I all I could do was look at her and say, "Yuna, please.  Mommy's very very tired.  Please stop.", and I'd bow my head down again and cry.

When Shi arrived, he asked me what happened, and all I told him was that Yuna was being extremely difficult to handle and I just had a meltdown, that's it. The truth was, within the teeny tiny window of time, I regretted being a mother. There, I said it.  For one doomed afternoon, I regretted motherhood. I experienced a moment of sheer domestic torture, one of  many more to come, I'm sure. I felt trapped.  Restrained.  Confined.  Perhaps it's what most people call A FUCKING BAD DAY, but to me, it's a moment of unvarnished banality, the sort that made me abandon my valor for motherhood and any delusions of loving every minute of it.

I realized, I don't love every minute of it.  I love my daughter tremendously, but motherhood? It sucks donkey balls sometimes.  It's like any other serious relationship, it seems.  There will be days when you can't stand your partner, but you know you really really love him, so you stick it out through the bad, and hope for the good.  The only difference between the two is that with the latter, there's always divorce, you can call it quits when shit hits the roof.  On the other hand, when it comes to raising a child, even if you mentally prepare yourself for taking responsibility for another life, it takes time to reconcile yourself with the thought that that baby is everything.

So then, I've come to know that the thing that keeps me going despite the selfishness and regret lurking within, is the insurmountable, overwhelming love I feel for my daughter.  This love I feel for her is larger than life, so powerful, that a piece of me comes with it whenever I look at her and say it.  It's true, I have, time and again, struggled to cope with the pressures of being a mom, and I have failed to gain a sense of perfect selflessness mothers are supposed to have.  Having Yuna changed my life irrevocably, and I gave a up a lot of dreams for the sole purpose of raising her, but the strong emotions she manages to draw out of me, makes the honor of being her mother worth the occasional meltdowns and such.  And as long as she's there, the person that she is, fussiness and all, I will get through this.  For her, I will.

21 comments:

Bevin @ allisbright.net said...

I think every mommy definitely has days like this. And if they say they don't...then they are big fat liars.

Catrina said...

I still have these days, when nothing seems to be going right and all the girls are just being a pain.

Sheila said...

Last night my 8mo was sick and wouldn't sleep lying down. I had to sit up and hold him. All night. If I tried to lie down, or move too much, he screamed like he was being burned alive.

Yeah, I'm not going to lie: there were moments where I wondered how complicated it might be to give him up for adoption.

This morning, luckily, he was all smiles, and so it was possible for me to like him again. And to say, of COURSE I would never give him up, of COURSE I wouldn't trade him for a million bucks and the ability to go to the bathroom by myself ... but there are moments when all you can do is just beg, "Please stop crying, Mommy's losing her mind." It happens. To good moms. It's okay.

kitten said...

I hate having one of those days, poor momma! I hope that you are feeling a lot better now and Yuna is too. Take some time out by yourself and leave Yuna to Shi for a few hours, I am sure he won't mind. Let us know if you need anything.

jillsmo said...

I once saw this interview with some actress talking about motherhood and she said she woke up when her baby was around 6 weeks and she realized "Oh. EVERY day?"

Hang in there!! I'm sure you've heard this a zillion times, and it's really not very helpful, but it gets easier.

CurvyEveryday said...

It's totally normal to have those feelings. I remember my husband coming home to all of us in tears. The worst was with my first I struggled for 3 months trying to breastfeed. I was on a crazy pump every 2hour routine. She cried all the time because she was hungry, I could never pump enough and I wasn’t sleeping at all. There was no time between the pumping, trying to get her to latch, bottle-feeding, cleaning bottles, then repeat routine. My husband came home and found me in stained pj’s crying and babbling I can’t…I can’t do it anymore, it’s too tough, I don’t want to breastfeed anymore. He just looked and me and said sweetly you don’t have too. I had put it all myself because I hate to fail at anything. And that seemed like the biggest failure that I couldn’t even provide enough milk for my daughter. I look back and think I could of enjoyed the first few months so much more if I hadn’t been so tough on myself.

I find being a mom doesn't come easy to me. I really have to work at it. I think maybe I should go back to work because that came easy to me. And I hate the idea of not being naturally good at something especially being a mom. (slightly type A as well) But anything worthwhile is not easy. And those moms I gawk at with envy in the park who look like supermoms that make me feel incompetent: they have to work at it too. Being a Mom is really freakin tough but those amazing moments are better than any day I ever had when I worked. Sorry for the long rant but just wanted to let you know we all feel the same way And I love reading your blog because it is raw and it is real and it makes me laugh and it helps me remember how great it is to be a mom.

Maybe have Yuna’s ears checked. Every time my little guy gets a head cold he gets an ear infection.

CurvyEveryday said...

It's totally normal to have those feelings. I remember my husband coming home to all of us in tears. The worst was with my first I struggled for 3 months trying to breastfeed. I was on a crazy pump every 2hour routine. She cried all the time because she was hungry, I could never pump enough and I wasn’t sleeping at all. There was no time between the pumping, trying to get her to latch, bottle-feeding, cleaning bottles, then repeat routine. My husband came home and found me in stained pj’s crying and babbling I can’t…I can’t do it anymore, it’s too tough, I don’t want to breastfeed anymore. He just looked and me and said sweetly you don’t have too. I had put it all myself because I hate to fail at anything. And that seemed like the biggest failure that I couldn’t even provide enough milk for my daughter. I look back and think I could of enjoyed the first few months so much more if I hadn’t been so tough on myself.

I find being a mom doesn't come easy to me. I really have to work at it. And I hate the idea of not being naturally good at something especially being a mom. (slightly type A as well) But anything worthwhile isn’t easy. Sorry for the long rant but just wanted to let you know we all feel the same way. And I love reading your blog because it is raw and it is real and it makes me laugh and remember how great it is to be a mom.

Maybe have Yuna’s ears checked. Every time my little guy gets a head cold he gets an ear infection.

CurvyEveryday said...

OMG, 2 long winded comments, i'm so sorry i thought the first one got rejected because it was to long so i rewrote. Christ I'm a spaz.

Short version of what i was trying to get at-
Just know on my bad days i read your blog and it makes me laugh and puts me in a better mood. thank you.

antoinette said...

it does suck donkey balls

Ashley said...

I've been there...more than once. I think all moms feel what you did/do, I think it's impossible not to. You sacrifice everything as a mother. I wouldn't trade it though!

Miranda Hartrampf said...

Oh poor momma, thats okay you don't fail at being mom! You are just human, and break downs happen.

Chloe's 9 days old and i've broken down 3 times... lol... not like that but there was duo crying fits.

Stephanie in Suburbia said...

A-FREAKING-men, sister!

Artemis Clover: The real L.A. love story. said...

*sigh* you know i can totally relate. wow i feel like your story is mine. we are def going through so much of the same thing. just know that it's all worth it and it is hard for everyone. btw i love how your blog is transforming and you've come such a long way. keep up the good work and have a wonderful week! <3

mommetime said...

I kept that kind of stuff secret for a very long time because how could I possibly feel this way about something I wanted and a little person I love so deeply...MOMMA GUILT. Fueled by ranging after birth hormones. Plus a crying baby...made for a whacked out crying sitting Indian style in the middle of the floor while my baby cried. I later (much later. years. like after the birth of my THIRD child) realized that I suffered from postpartum depression and raging hormones. All three pregnancy were complicated which added to my problem. You are not alone and you should be very proud of yourself for saying this out loud and picking up the phone asking your husband to help...I don't think anywhere in your post you asked for advice...but this is my two cents ~ Do not do this alone! Do ask for help when you need it! Good luck. Thank you so much for your honesty. Amy @ mommetime.com/

Imperfect Perfection said...

Love this post. I totally relate. New follower....

http://maternalbutterfly.blogspot.com/

Tina@ www.theteethingmom.com said...

You guys are amazing. THANK YOU. I was very hesitant to post this entry because I've been judged one too many times for the stuff I post in this blog. The last thing I needed was further judgement. I know it was a total downer, but hey, all of you combined are better than paying for a shrink! Win!

Laura said...

Aw! I'm so glad you wrote this. I love your honesty! The hubs and I have decided to try and get preggers in a few months. I'm not second-guessing the decision, but I'm glad there's new mommy bloggers like you to help me see that motherhood can sometimes be really hardcore.

Joette said...

I appreciate your honesty. As a new mommy to a 3 month old, I have struggled with a adapting to motherhood. It really is all-consuming and something that you can't prepare for completely until you are doing it. I have had lots of moments where I felt frustrated because I couldn't do what I felt needed to be done for myself or the house or the husband because my baby needed me more than all of those things. I completely identified with your statement, "I imagine how things would have been different if I were still childless, and how it would feel to prioritize myself again. I thought about how much I missed having my own schedule." It's a big adaptation. I am so thankful for the power of the digital world to know that some other mom out there is feeling like me at times, and I am not a crazy or bad mother for having those feelings.

Emily @ Crunchy(ish) Mama said...

I LOVE THAT YOU POSTED THIS! I adore my 10-month-old son. He is adorable and sweet and funny. But he hates sleep. Like HATES it. Needless to say this can become very "challenging".

I've felt like a bad mother this past year because every other new mom I know seems to be basking in baby while I'm wallowing in sleep deprivation and coming to terms with the GIGANTIC wave of change that has crashed into my life. It is wonderful and it is terrible. It is amazing and terrifying.

I love that you said all the things I've been too scared to say. At least you have a little girl, so one day she may understand what being a new mom is like. I know my kiddo won't ever get it. Cuz no matter how great a dad you are, you're not the mama.

mrs.g said...

I love posts like this. It makes me not feel so shitty. I am a first time sahm and God, somedays I want to go back to life before baby so bad. I even went on a nine day stint with zoloft, decided that I wanted to try harder to control my anxiety on my own (what with the brain zaps and muscle spasms), and came off it. I have so been there and all I can tell you is that yes, motherhood sucks ass somedays and anyone that acts like it is always glitter and rainbowfarts is a lying sack of shit.

Sara said...

Great post! I have one child (18 month old boy) and was completely shocked at the drain having a child takes on you via sleeplessness, helplessness, and feeling like you are reliving the same shitty day every day for the rest. of. your. life. Ugh. And, without any appreciation from hubby or child. When my boy was younger, I sometimes fantasize about renting a hotel room for a week, smashing my cell phone into a million pieces, and doing nothing but sleep. My 20-year old self would kick my current self's ass for having such a mundane fantasy.

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