Surviving Black Friday With a 7 Month Old

I was adamant about hitting the mall before 4am last Friday, much to the demise of my beloved other half and daughter, but I successfully managed to drag them out of bed by singing Do-do-do-do DORA! out loud at 3:15 am, while pulling the comforters off of them. It worked!  Sure, they looked like they seriously wanted to beat me up, but it worked!  I know it's so morbid of me to wake up a growing baby at this hour, but fuck it, that's the reason why we spent her college tuition on an expensive stroller-- so that she can sleep comfortably anywhere while we brave the mob of fellow early bird shoppers.

Let me tell you something, shopping with an infant isn't all that hard when you prepare yourself well before the main event.  It doesn't have to feel as if your bush is getting plucked one by one.  No, it shouldn't feel laborious.  Here are a few of my tips in surviving the biggest shopping day of the year.

1.  Those over-hyped Target, Walmart and Best Buy deals are fictional.  Unless you're psycho enough to camp out in the freezing cold for at least 24 hours prior to the store opening, you're better off avoiding these places.  I was stupid enough to take a peek inside Target and grab a few essentials that weren't even on sale, but when I saw that the lines in the first floor stretched out like a maze all the way up to the second floor, I thought, hmmmm, this may take a while, so I ditched everything and headed out. Oh, and by the way, those famous 40" flat screens worth $298 are just about as common as unicorns, so I say,  fuck Target (sorry, Jill), and head to a local retailer where lines don't even exist.

2.  Never EVER hang those shopping bags on the stroller.  You may have an overweight baby like I do, but those bags add up, and when they do, at least make sure that your child is strapped safely inside, unless you want to give everyone a free show when the stroller catapults her up in the air and get dismembered prior to landing on the ground.  It won't be pretty.  And just a warning, it MIGHT make you look like a bad parent. 

3.  If a childless bitch cuts you off in line and pretends not to notice, it's really okay to tell her to SUCK IT.

4.  If the same childless bitch fights back and asks you if you want to take "it" outside, know that it's also okay to run her feet over with your stroller.  Heavy shopping bags are optional.

5.  Buy a pack or two of those 5 hour energy drinks, but triple the dosage for every 5 hours.  Add one more if you haven't had any sleep.  It's well worth it to be alert while bargain shopping.  Walking around the mall will most likely make you jittery, but the bonus is that you add a natural vibrating feature to your stroller, hence, lulling your baby to sleep.  It's a win-win!

6.  When your baby fusses (I learned that it's not a matter of if your baby fusses, but rather, when your baby fusses.  Because fussing, especially during Black Friday, is inevitable), hand her a silver spoon from the food court to chew on or poke her eyes with.  It really works.

7.  If you're feeling tired, practice how to sleep with your eyes open.  I do this all the time when I'm in line.  It's helpful when  would like to bypass the cashier's 30 minute scripted speech about their ongoing specials.  Go try it.

8.  Don't change your baby's diaper on top of a food court table.  Never mind the dirty looks from nearby strangers who are getting a nice view of your baby's poop, that food court table is crawling with bacteria.

9.  Don't make the mistake of parking in a handicapped slot. Your baby's not getting any sympathy this time. I know it's Black Friday and all that shit but it's not worth getting your car hit and smashed by an old lady with her cane.  Really.

10.  If your baby continues to fuss, spike her bottle up with some Nyquil.  That should do the trick.  She'll be knocked out in no time and you can continue gallivanting around the mall in Black Friday bliss.

11.  Those dead people you see sprawled outside Walmart aren't really dead.  They probably just passed out while waiting.  Careful not to step on any heads.

Since I'm one year advanced in in giving these tips away, I really hope I make your next Black Friday experience a little more bearable. Also,  I am in no way affiliated with Target, Best Buy and Walmart, so please, stop emailing me for coupons.  Keep calm, and carry on.