Monday, October 4, 2010

You snooze, you WIN!! At the LA Kids Consignment Sale!!

No, we didn't get to wake up early, in case you were betting on that.  But I seriously wanna thank Manila Machine for waking me up with their tweet (I have to get used to that) informing all their followers they're in the SFV area.  It was 9am. Snooze.  Fuck the sale.

But then I remembered I made plans to drop Yuna off at Encino to babysit for her godmother who has been begging for some alone time with her and who probably got up really early to sanitize every single square inch of her place in preparation for this.   Oh well.


Whoa... stop right there. What was I thinking??  Trading a couple of  divine childless hours to go shopping for a few more minutes of sleep?

I threw on my most comfy tank top, grabbed Yuna with one hand and carried Shi with the other and dragged both their groggy asses to the car.  We made a quick stop at the food truck before dropping Yuna off in Encino and we were off to baby sale heaven.

We got to Burbank just in time to find a nice, shaded parking spot in a lot dominated by a sea of minivans.There were aisles and aisles of strollers, cribs, infant carriers, clothes, toys, jumpers, both new and gently used, all lined up for the taking.  I was ready.  Shi was ready. Time to divide and conquer.

I've never been to a place filled with so much vagina since my high school days in an exclusive catholic school for girls. It's no big deal, really, except that it was goddam HOT. Just throw in the moody pregnant women, moms with 5 kids under 5, menopausal grandmothers and postpartum ladies in the mix and you've got yourself a smorgasbord of raging hormones ready to implode.  And all the mommy stereotypes you read about?  They're all there, in the flesh, measuring up to their subtype so perfectly, all they needed was a t-shirt to spell it out for you.  

There were the clueless new moms with their know-it-all MILs (mothers-in-law) AND their newborns, nursing on a glider, as their moms carefully picked out, wait for this.... baby picture frames.  Really??  You come all the way from God knows where, with your poor postpartum young daughter-in-law AND her newborn, in this tragic heat to pick out pictures frames??  While you're at it, why don't you just get it over with and grab that lacy album too?  Because we all know you're itching to get that project done so you can start cross-stitching your grandson's face on your pillows. Anyway, the best you can do is give these mommas your best, sincerest look of empathy, for they are doomed to a lifetime of shit.

There's the frazzled mom of 3, haphazardly pushing a double stroller with her screaming 2 yr old twins inside, oblivious to the fact that her rambunctious 4 year old son's terrorizing the smaller tots into leaving his side of the toy section so that he could have all the cool power wheel cars to himself.  Do not condemn these moms.  It is not their fault their kids were bound to be jerkoffs.  Chances are, they're very much aware of this problem and are scheduled to be cast on Nanny 911.

There's the Type A mom with her baby hanging in a Moby Wrap, who'd give you unsolicited advice on the dangers of letting your baby stay in the swing too long.  Ignore these bitches.

Then there's the type you have to stay away from:  There were the smug, researched moms who paid no attention to the items you can easily find in Target.  They were dispersed all over the area, picking out a second Bjorn carrier or a Petunia Pickle diaper bag, nitpicking on every single hem and quoting product reviews to their husbands. 

Why do I say this?  I realized this when I overwhelmingly  scanned the huge warehouse and saw the high chair aisle.

There it was, standing out like Justin Bieber in a biker festival, the coveted piece I've been lusting about since I've started my manic hunt for the perfect high chair: The Bloom Fresco.
Get your very own Bloom Fresco here!

"Do you see what I see?", I asked Shi.  To this, he replied nothing.  I got his hand and we galloped across the room toward the beauty, still in a trance.

Suddenly, a blond, svelte, smug researched mom came out of nowhere and beat us to the chair.


I didn't really scream that, but I never came so close to doing so until that moment. I held my breath, stood behind her, and prayed for her to let go

The bitch didn't budge.  She continued inspecting the chair for a few more minutes until I came way too close behind her, enough to make her feel uncomfortable.  I guess she didn't like the feel of another mom breathing down her neck, so she let go and left.  I held on to the chair tightly as Shi searched for the price tag.  It cost less than half its retail value.  That's it, we're taking this home.

We were still busy inspecting and marveling at the chair when I could suddenly feel eyes burning holes in my back.  Two other smug, researched moms were waiting anxiously for their turn to hold on to our treasure and one of them came very close to me and just stood there, frowning.  They were seriously ready to kill me.

"We're taking this.", I said, loud enough for them to hear.

Then without looking at them, I pushed the high chair to Shi's arms and screamed:  "RUN SHI RUN!!!!!!  RUN TO THE CASHIER AND DON'T LOOK BACK!! I'LL BE OKAY!!"

So I'm fucking with you.  It didn't need to come to that  Those bitches were mad, but we just quietly signaled for a rep to come over and help us out, discretely walked to the cashier, paid for it and left.  Quietly. 

How's that for a child-free date with your other half?  We were so revved up, we almost did it in the car, but the high chair was in the way. 

Amen to that porky, Amen.


Ashley said...

hahaha! What a steal on the chair, totally worth beating someone down for!

Tina@ said...

I know!! I was ready to go to war! Hahaha!

kitten said...

I'd go to war for an awesome deal too! Haha!

jillsmo said...

I like your blog more than others I've discovered lately because you have a firm grasp of the English language and knowledge of how to capitalize and punctuate and I appreciate that :)

Tina@ said...

Jill: *HUG*
Nothing profound, just a big old hug. Also, you forget I discovered you, not the other way around. I've been stalking your blog for quite some time now and you make me laugh more than that guy who tweets shit his dad says. Save me an autographed copy when you get published ok?

Danielle said...

hahaha...that was to funny I don't think in all the three years with my son I have ever had a moment like this one. I didn't even have a high chair and everyone that said I should get one or offered to get me one I said no. But knowing me and my big mouth I would have had to fight someone right there in the store I never know when to just stop talking.

jillsmo said...

I forget everything that happened before this morning and even that's a little hazy...


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