Tuesday, December 7, 2010

A New Parent's Guide to Snot Sucking

Suck your baby's snot out in these easy steps and you're guaranteed to have a mucous free baby in no time!

1.  Get your earplugs out.  Or, don't get your earplugs, it's up to you.

2.  While waiting for hubby to finish taking a dump, prepare the following:

           -aspirator bulb or turkey baster, depending on the amount of  snot sucking you anticipate
           -Boogie Wipes
           - Handcuffs (in the absence of an assistant)

3.  Lay baby down on the bed and let her roll around and play as if nothing's about to happen.

4.  As soon as hubby's done taking care of his business, have him hold baby's hands and pin her down on the bed, facing you.

5.  Stop.  Have hubby wash his hands.

6.  With baby's hands pinned down by hubby, straddle your baby's hips and distract her by singing a Black Sabbath classic to help relax her nerves.

7.  Hold the bulb/baster with your right hand and hold your baby's head in place with your left.  Continue singing your song.

8. Start sucking the snot immediately.  Notice the violent aggression of your baby towards you.  She wants to kill you.  This is normal. 

9.  When using the bulb in a lighting fast motion, please note that it is also normal to confuse your baby's nose with her mouth and remnants of the snot may end up as dinner. Don't be alarmed. From what I hear, this is good protein for underweight and premie babies.  However, an overweight child like mine does not need the extra calories.  If this is the case, extract the snot from her tongue using the Boogie Wipes.

10.  If or when baby manages to escape, this means that you and hubby are weak and will need to spend some serious time in the gym. Repeat steps 3 to 9.

11.  If baby shows exacerbated aggression, rendering this procedure unsuccessful, have hubby suspend baby upside down, like a pendulum, for five minutes.  Sway from left to right. Wait for gravity to do its job and wipe the snot before it rolls down her eyes.

If you succeed, VOILA!  You will have a baby with undeterred opinion regarding the procedure, just like this:


Ashley said...

Is Yuna sick! So sorry! Sucking snot sucks. Get it? I'm clever.

jillsmo said...


Sorry, I would have had all kinds of snarky things to say but then you went and showed me that video.

(Nice babbling, Yuna!)

Bevin @ allisbright.net said...

Yay! This was the perfect tutorial. =D

kitten said...

Awww cute video. Nadine has a cold too and has been coughing for the past 3 days. No fever, thank god. Try BabyComfyNose after zapping with saline, it's amazing!

I hope our little ones feel better soon.

CurvyEveryday said...

Awe...Poor thing. She sounds just like my little one when he's sick. We still can't get anywhere near his nose.

Brian said...

Oh how funny! Writing of holding your baby down on the bed and holding it tight while you sing songs of the devil.

Fabulous! Your husband may be able to crap out his McRib but he sure can't crap out Satan.

Tina@ www.theteethingmom.com said...

Oh Brian! How snarky! You definitely take the prize today. I don't even know you but it looks like you've got a LOT to teach me about inner demons huh? Well I hope you reach your monetary quest of $10,000 so that you can finally get your "revelation". Good for you. The only revelation I get around here these days is the snot coming out of my sick daughter's nose.

Also, my husband doesn't eat McRibs. Eww.

michelmoba said...

I second getting a BABYCOMFYNOSE. I ordered it off of amazon (it's like $15) & the day I rec'd it i tossed the bulb in the garbage. For one thing - it sounds grosser than it is. You dont get her snot sucked into your mouth. You dont! She giggles when i do it on her cuz I first suck all over her face & arms. By the time get to her nostrils...no prob at all. Just take a deep breath & tons of crap come out. Before I had to almost sit on her arms with the bulb.

And I've learned she knows something is up when i use the saline on her (even with a q-tip). So I really only use it after a bath (and i rub her face a bunch with a warm washcloth to loosen the crap up). The other product on the market which is very similar (and also has great reviews) is called the NoseFrieda. Again, you can get it off of amazon for about the same price. Main diff is that you need to buy filters.

Tina@ www.theteethingmom.com said...

Kitten and Michelmoba: Thank you. I must purchase that item immediately.

antoinette said...

refreshing blog

Ashley said...

I forgot to tell you that my friend from England has a snot sucking device that you hook to your vacuum cleaner. NO joke!!! Is that awesome, she's over there now, I'll tell her to bring some back with her.

kitten said...

Michelmoba - so true, we don't even use a tissue for filtration and it never goes to our mouths.

You'll love it, Tina... especially Shi. This is Marc's #1 Baby Must-Have! LOL. It is most effective when you use saline. Yuna's sinuses will be clear in no time! :)

Joette said...

I get some sort of weird thrill from sucking out the snot...it's kind of like popping a zit. Ha! I accidentally blew the air up my child's nose with the aspirator. He looked at me like, "What the hell was that?" I think the air may have came out through his eyes. And the hubby taking a dump...totally relatable in my household!

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