The Fussy Asian

People seem to be finding my blog by typing in the words FUSSY ASIAN on Google search, and coincidentally, those keywords couldn't be more apt with my post for today.  I thought that by now, I'd have been immune to little things about parenthood that irk me.  Things like phony cries, napless days and vazillion chores should no longer take its toll on me, but goddamit, being a parent is hard.  It's fucking haaaaaaaaaard.

Oh Amber, who knew you'd be 16 and Behind Bars too?

I find myself vulnerable to a meltdown whenever the three of us are stuck at home on a rainy day.  I know having Shi around to help out should make things easier, but ironically, weekends spent solely at home tend to make me super bitchy. There's just something stressful about three different people wanting to do three different things simultaneously.  One person wants to be entertained, the other one is in desperate need of a nice shower, while the other one just wants to be on the computer the entire day.  It gets frustrating, because you always end up not being able to do what you've been meaning to do and you have to keep on reminding yourself that someone else is the boss of you now, and you can't just say peace out when things get uncomfortable.  So you suck it up and deal with whatever shit that needs to get done so that you can finally do what you've been wanting to do.

Then, you later find out that you just have to forget about the things you've been wanting to do, like waxing your facial hair or popping a zit, because you get so excited about finally having some alone time, you end up burning a good two hours stalking your old crushes on Facebook.  In between photo albums, the baby wakes up crying inconsolably while your husband's out putting gas in your car, and the frustration rewinds itself all over again. 

Such is the life of a new mom.  

Here's where my envy for men rolls in.  Men are such stable creatures.  I admire their ability to peel themselves away from the situation so that they can face it head on, void of emotions and vulnerabilities.  It amazes me that no matter how long and loud Yuna cries, Shi still manages to retain his composure and patience, whereas I, would be begging him to get her off my face. immediately  That kind of rationality and stability is exactly what I need during days like this.  Days when I can't even look at my daughter straight in the eye because I fear that if I do, she might just see through my gritted teeth and feel that she's the reason for my budding angst.  And since I don't want her to see my frustration building up, I take it out on Shi, the one person who could possibly save my dwindling sanity.

The good thing about it is that I don't really lose my cool.  Sure, I get bitchy, and I throw around sarcastic one-liners to his well-meaning questions while I remain silent for a good couple of hours, but that's just about it.  Eight years with this man has taught me that punching someone who is well-trained in martial arts is not only futile, it's a big waste of precious energy.  Keeping my mouth shut while he scrimmages all over the house, taking over the duties I've abandoned out of sheer frustration, proves to be lot more effective in pissing him off more than anything. 

But then, he becomes the bigger person and ignores me in the middle of my silent bitchfest.  There I was, slamming doors and banging drawers, trying to prove a point, while he sits quietly with Yuna, happy and content, while the same episode of Yo Gabba Gabba for the third consecutive time. He never lets me get to him, not just for the sake of our kid, but for the sake of our partnership.  I could pretty much act immaturely the entire day, up until I realize that it's boring not talking to anybody, and he'll wait for me to just snap out of it so that we can talk it out.  

Shi suffered through my bitchiness up until  I checked my blogger stats again and this time, a problematic dude out there who needed some guidance found himself in my blog by typing in "creamed her and got her pregnant".  That's right. Creamed AND pregnant. Guys, we have a winner!

I closed my browser, looked at him with a smile and said:  "Hey, let's go give her a bath".

You want some sap and mush? Here ya go!

Since it's my birthday today, I will refrain from divulging any sort of negativity in this post.  Instead, I will kill all of you with an untold love story. Because you see, embedded within all the sarcasm and snark that's evident in all my posts lies a sweet, soft spoken, hopeless romantic.  

HA HA HA HA!!! Fuck that soft spoken shit, if there's anything soft spoken around here it's just fart, the silent but deadly kind. But seriously people, I am pretty sweet, if I do say so myself.  However, there's another person who's managed to top all my romantic efforts time and time again.  One person who remains unfazed by my hormonal bitchiness, loud mouth and drama.  So to the love of my life, the sperm donor to my egg, the yin to my yang, this post is for you. I want the rest of the world to fall in love with you the way you effortlessly made me fall.

So world, I present to you his letter:

Toink,


Although I have adequate reasons to believe that we are not soul mates (that is, if I ever start believing in such someday), I can never thank you enough for being the carrier and transporter of my seed.  If it weren't for you, I would never have found a better host to contain and facilitate the delivery of my firstborn. Bwahahaha.  Just kidding!


For really great writers such as yourself, I always tend to make my letter short, inconsistent, and non-dramatic.  I look forward to messing up your taste and senses hoping it could've been another great literary piece.


Anyway, it's 5:15pm, 10/21, and I just wanted to make it back to my office.  Finally, your present is on my desk.  It led me panicking the whole day considering that maybe, even rush delivery has caused another blunder on my day.  It really got me into thinking about another lousy excuse as to why or how I came home LATE again and welcomed 10/22 with nothing on hand to offer you.


Seriously though, I don't have much to offer you as I don't have much to ask of you.  You have been perfect just the way you are for all these years I have known you-- the perfect friend, companion, lover, filthy bitch, and truly, the only object of my affection.


Toink, I've always believed that we grow neither better nor worse as we get older-- only more like ourselves.  Similarly, there are days when you give me shit that could potentially stink like shit-- BUT you never treated me like one.  For that, and that alone, you make it easy for me to love you more each day.  Just bear in mind that although growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional.  So should we ever come to a fork down the road... irrelevant of where it takes us, let's take it.  We were all born naked and screaming.  With luck and a little effort, that sort of thing won't stop there-- regardless of age!


So enough of the bullshit already and let's enjoy 24 hours of you!


Happy Birthday.  I love you!


Shi
10.21.10
5:54pm

So anyway, he lost me there after the word fork.  The rest after that didn't quite make sense to me anymore, but who cares? ISN'T HE THE SWEETEST MOFO EVER??!!  Yup, that's mah boy right there.  Two years ago, he surprised me by wrapping by best friend up in a huge box for my birthday. Now this may not be a big deal to most of you, I mean, who the fuck wants to open a box containing a sweaty human being anyway?  But here's the thing, my best friend happens to live in Germany.  He flew her in and wrapped her in a giant box.  As soon as I opened the box, out came my BFF holding not one, not two but THREE round-trip airfare tickets to Vegas.  One for me, for her, for Shi, and for my gay boyfriend, Fritz.

I quit thinking of major surprises for him since then.  How the fuck am I supposed to top that?

The people who bribed to go

I folded the letter in half, getting the mandatory tears of joy ready when I felt something else inside the paper bag.  It was smooth, hard and angular.  I reached in and pulled out:

Wow, somebody's gonna get laid tonight. Woooot! The man is awesome.  AWESOME!!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some tinkering to do. Heeeheheheee.

Why do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I always talk about the annoying quirks of the love of my life.  I think it's about time I give this man a break.  He's seen me through everything.  He's spent 7 years dealing with my behavior and 9 months of neurotic hormonal imbalance brought about by my pregnancy.   Perhaps the very pinnacle that speaks of his devotion was watching me give birth.  This was taken when I dilated to a 10.

I can't seem to place his reaction here, but judging from my sister's face, it looks a lot like disgust.  Let's take a closer look shall we?

Now looking from this angle, his face screams of regret, don't you think? I'm just guessing that whatever he's looking at during that time was anything but beautiful.  I would love love love to show you guys the photo of the placenta and his priceless expression while looking at the the thing but I don't wanna risk you taking me off your feeds so let's just keep it at that.  But hey, he's still with me so yay!

Anyway, all I'm getting at is that though I publicize the oddities of his being for all of you to feast on, I'm pretty sure there's so much more of mine he could possibly say.  Truth be told, he could have left me for reasons beyond my dislike for showering everyday but he didn't.

So why do I love thee?  Let me count the ways:

1.  He lets me decorate 90% of the house however I want it.  The remaining 10% is his own domain and he could do whatever he wants with it.  That 10% is also his own bathroom.  By the way, we have separate bathrooms, the best kept secret to a happy marriage.

2. He tolerates my addiction to reality tv and he doesn't even know which month the Super Bowl falls in.

3.  He transformed into an instant master stylist and cut my hair without any prior experience when I once got a haircut as tragic as this:

And the creative director, let's just call him by the name JEFF HARRIS from that stupid salon calls this a "precision cut"??  I think he got the inspiration from his circumcision.

4. He makes me feel thinner than I really am, even when he needs to lie more often than not.

5.  We have a mutually beneficial relationship when eating chicken.  It's simple.  He gives me all the skin, while he eats all the healthy meat.

6. Some days, he calls me a filthy ho, which I really really like.

7. You can never hear him complain, ever.

8.  He does the BEST impression of Kendra Wilkinson.

9.  For someone who kicks ass in Judo and Jiujitsu, I love that he belts out to Christina Aguilera Beyonce like it's nobody's business.

10.  He'd dress up as DJ Lance for Yuna everyday if need be, if only to put a smile on that cute little face.

Shi, how do you like the affirmation?  Kiss me, you fool!!

What Would You Do?

When he drops the last remaining slice of Chocolate Silk Pie you've been dreaming about the whole day?

The Chocolate Silk Pie that's so sacred, it remains your best kept secret when friends and family come over.

The Chocolate Silk Pie you refuse to share with anyone.

The Chocolate Silk Pie you sacrificed dinner for.

Please tell me.

Because I am THISCLOSE to biting off his balls.  Seriously.

My Better Half is Such a Character

I think I scared the shit out of Shi when I started blogging about him.

After dinner and putting Yuna to sleep I went to my usual laptop spot to check on some stuff I'm selling on eBay.  As he passed by fully clothed (this is new, by the way. especially when it's close to bedtime), he timidly asks "So, what are you gonna blog about this time?"

"I don't know."  I said, without looking up from my computer screen.

"Well I'm gonna hit the shower now, I'm just letting you know.", he replied as he sashayed down the hall in his new shirt.

I was still busy doing stuff on eBay when it hit me:  the mofo was prepared to be photographed this time!! HAHAHAHA!!!

Fuck, the man really cracks me up.

So to answer your question again sweetie, I'm blogging about you again! Yes, YOU!! Aint that so sweet of me?  

I love you sweet lips.

What Are You Doing in the Nursery??

I had big dreams for our nursery.  I insisted on placing my prized Balinese Canopy Daybed in there and decorated it with Japanese Cherry Blossoms in the hopes that Yuna would be transported to a haven of serenity and channel her inner zen whenever she sleeps in that room.

At first, we dumped all the baby stuff in there, and as a bored pregnant lady, I sorted through all our baby shower loot and started organizing everything a few weeks before my due date.  I would sit on the daybed for 10 minutes everyday, close my eyes and inhale the addicting scent of Dreft on Yuna's newborn clothes like Lindsay Lohan on coke.  I burst with excitement with each and every breath of the enticing aroma of freshly laundered baby clothes.

That was until I gave birth.

For the first few months, we were so focused on adjusting to our new, permanent house guest that the thought of assigning her to the nursery completely obliterated our minds.  This guest deserved nothing less than royalty treatment and she needed 2 slaves at her disposal.  To be able to cater to her needs asap, she slept in her royal bassinet located in our room as she had a list of rooming demands comparable to JLo's dressing room requirements.  She needed immediate access to her feeders, burpers and diaper changers and the most convenient way to execute this is for her to share a room with these 2 commoners.

5.5 months after and she's still our roommate.  And what has become of the nursery? 

Watch and learn, my friend.

The crisp smell of fresh laundry has been replaced by the smell of sweaty balls and muck. Bulky gym equipment (albeit organized properly after each session) replaced the corner meant for the changing table.  Our daughter will never be able to channel her inner zen in this situation.

I guess my big dreams will remain just that.. just dreams.

A mother can only hope.

DISCLAIMER:
To avoid a bloody war before going to bed tonight, Shi would like for me to clarify that he doesn't usually work out in his bikini briefs.  It was just my luck that I captured his golden moment before hitting the shower.

In the spirit of democracy, I will leave it up to the readers to decide whether to believe him or not.